Lordy Lordy Look Who Is 40

Yes I am posting again. What's 6 months or so? I am convinced it is just a number. I don't feel 40 nor do I think I look 40. Granted I don't look 30 but not 40. LOL! I had an amazing weekend with my friends and family. I am so blessed I can't even put it into words. I know it is easy to get bogged down and depressed with day to day issues but when it comes down to it I am the luckiest girl in the world. Here is to the next 40!
Take care,
Raye

Doug & I

My amazing friends and family

My Valentine

If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you

If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I'd still feel for you

And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
You're all i need
My love, my valentine

All of my life
I have been waiting for
All you give to me
You've opened my eyes
And showed me how to love unselfishly

I've dreamed of this a thousand times before
In my dreams i couldnt love you more
I will give you my heart
Until the end of time
You're all i need
My love, my valentine

La da da
Da da da da

And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
Cuz all i need
Is you, my valentine

You're all i need
My love, my valentine

Happy 6th Birthday

Ahhh. The 24th has arrived. I must say I am actually happy today. I am not jumping around but I am happy. Even though I tear up as I sit here and type this post. I have started to be able to celebrate this day for what it is. Ryan's Birthday. Not the day he died. That is a huge difference to me. Hopefully that is a big difference to most people. Am I sad of course. I wish he was here to celebrate with but I will still celebrate. We will head off to our family dinner and be happy! Tonight when we get home I will look into the stars and smile. I smile with the firm belief he is smiling back at us. He will blow his candles out on his cake to give me those stars. What a great present to us.

Lots of love,
Raye

The Brave Little Soul

Found this on the Caring Bridge site for our former insurance salesman's son. He passed away February after a 3 year long battle with cancer. I still struggle to this day with why the Lord would allow an innocent soul to suffer. One day I will be at peace with that concept.
((hugs))

The Brave Little Soul By: John Alessi
Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?" God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle for the good of all humanity."
Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied. "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you". God and the brave soul shared a smile, and then embraced.
In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed." Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

Happy Heavenly Birthday

Mommy, Please don't cry...
We have lots of parties here.
With Streamers and hats,
And the best chocolate cake ever!

What a great day yesterday. Normally we celebrate Ryan's birthday with just Doug, the kids and myself but we decide to open it up since it would have been a milestone birthday.Doug and I decided back on what would have been his first birthday to make that day a happy day. We celebrate the time we had with him. There are plenty of other days in the year to be sad and think about his passing. We decided to do a balloon release on his birthday this year when we usually do that in April. In the throws of grief it is hard to appreciate what you had and not dwell on what is lost. As time goes by the heartache gets replaced with joy just a little at a time. I am not saying the heartache will ever disappear but it lessens with allowing the love we felt and still feel to overtake our hearts. Like the quote from Mommy Please Don't Cry states above I bet that Ryan and his buddies Parker and Gabriel are having a great party. I have a feeling Grandpa Bill and Opa are letting them get away with way too much fun. May your hearts always be filled with the love you share or have shared and not the grief you have experienced.
((hugs)),
Raye

Christmas Hugs From Heaven

As much as I LOVE this time of year it is still hard. As I watch the boys open their presents I can't help but long to watch the one that is not here open his presents. But I think about the time I did have him and cherish those memories. I found this poem and wanted to share it for all those who have loved ones that are not here for Christmas.

Christmas Hugs & Kisses

Please don't be sad now that we are apart,
celebrate Christmas with me in your heart.
Our best Christmas ever is still yet to come,
for Heaven is where the first Christmas is from.
And so I look forward to when you'll be free
to spend your first Christmas in Heaven with me.
I'm waiting with angels, and until that day,
I'll keep sending my hugs and kisses your way.

Love & Marriage

Marriage (noun) - the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.

What is a marriage? Is it a social or legal contract? Or something much more? To me it was just plain luck. I got lucky. I was not looking for a husband and lo and behold I met Doug. Well to be honest I met him before. But then I did not give him the time of day. He could tell you what I wore that night but I don't remember anything about him. I am sure you have heard the saying that some people get less attractive the more you know them. Well that was just the opposite. Once I really gave Doug a chance he really started to grow on me. Once we got past the whole he is my boss thing we really got to know each other. I was lucky again when he asked me to marry him.

I, Rachel, take you, Douglas, for my lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.

I will be honest I am not sure if those were our exact vows but I bet it is close. Little did we know how those vows would be tested. We have survived a crazy ex wife, issues with the step kids and then the death of our son. As bad as things got we kept each other close. When Ryan died we got spouted all these statistics about marriages not surviving the death of a child and things like that. I can see how that can rock a marriage. But I went into this marriage believing it was not disposable and I will be damned if that was going to take it away. Do we have the best marriage? No. But I think we have a very good one. He was taught to treat a lady well and that shows. He is not disrespectful or mean or anything like that. He is mine and I am elated. Like I said earlier. I got lucky.

Prematurity Awareness Day

Why I Walk

So others won't know the pain we've known
This is why we walk
So every child has a chance
This is why we walk
For Tanner, Parker and Myles
This is why we walk
For Ryan & Jake
This is why I walk


The US is failing it's youngest most fragile population. Prematurity can happen to any woman. It is not just a socioeconomic issue. It is a global issue with the US not doing so hot in the statistics. It is said it takes a village to raise a child.It appears we are not doing well in that respect. People think well it is not my child so why should I care? Well let me tell you. If you live in Tarrant County you help pay for those born too soon. Having been a volunteer in the NICU at Cook's I saw those babies in that unit that were transferred from JPS. Even if you look at it from an economic perspective an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. You would also be surprised by the ones prematurity does strike. I had great prenatal care and still had two babies early. Even though I did everything "right" they still came in this world before their time. What was really hard to watch was after Ryan was born I watched someone smoke and drink during their pregnancy and their son by all accounts seems fine. That is why the mission of the March of Dimes is so important. They work tirelessly to get to the bottom of these complex issues. Next time you think not my child think about your neighbors, friends, fellow church members or your coworker. Someone you know has been touched by prematurity. If you are reading this you know me and so you definitely know someone that has been touched by prematurity. Band Together. Help the helpless. And now I will get off my soapbox. Thank you to everyone who supports us and our passion for the March of Dimes. Words will never be able to express our gratitude for every one's support over the last almost five years. Wow. Five Years. That is another post for another day.

((hugs)),
Raye

6 weeks too soon - Ryan

4 weeks too soon - Jake

Wave Of Light to Remember Our Babies

I am actually very excited about today. Even though I am having transmission issues with my truck and I may have injured my rotator cuff it is still a good day. But that is a whole other post. From my point of view the worst thing that could happen is Ryan being forgotten. He was born, he lived, he breathed, he IS a part of our family. I hope days like this help people understand that for the most part people want to talk about their angels. Prenatal and Neonatal loss is nothing less than tragic. Parents shouldn't bury their child. It is just not the natural flow of things. But you pick yourself up by the boot straps and you carry on. I am very lucky that I have the support that I do in my life. I have Doug, my family and my "sisters". I am especially grateful for Teri Lyn. Of my "sisters" she is unfortunately the only one that completely understands how I feel. I say unfortunately because who wants to be a member of this club. Who would have thought all those years ago when we met we would be here. I pray for peace for those dealing with their losses and I ask those that are not to pray for those of us that are dealing with those loses.

I invite everyone to light a candle tonight at 7 pm not matter your time zone. If everyone lights a candle and burns it for at least an hour there will be a continuous WAVE OF LIGHT.

Peace to everyone,
Raye

March for Babies - 2009 Awards Lunch

Oh my. Has it really been over two months since I last posted. What a slacker. I promise to be better. On Monday we attended the Fort Worth March for Babies Luncheon. We weren't in the top 5 but that is ok. We missed it by that much. I am still floored over the amount of support we had this year. Especially in shaky financial times like we are experiencing. Dr. Grubbs was the emcee so that was really cool. You know I love me some Dr. Grubbs. I have learned not to rush up to him if I see him in public. We do see him at least once a year at the Warm Place fundraiser. I let him talk to us which he did. I got my usual big hug from him. He is such a wonderful and gentle man. Cook's is lucky to have him and the parents of the children he cares for are also lucky. Mom & Doug went with us this year so that was fun. We sat next to Amber Augustin and her team. They are the Extreme Makeover family. It was nice to meet her and she seemed nice. All in all it was a great lunch once again. Can't wait for 2010. I will get on with creating the Miracle Munchkins store so everyone can get their Munchkin items. Yeah for us!
Take care,
Raye


Our name badges with program

Me & Teri Lyn

Dr. Grubbs

Mom, Teri Lyn & I

Capturing a Short Life

Capturing A Short Life is a beautiful and life-affirming documentary about families dealing with infant loss.

I came across this linking from one of my groups on Facebook. Sheona McDonald did this documentary about infant loss. I have not seen the movie just the trailer. The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation is going to air it tomorrow night on it The Lens program. From what I have seen she really brings across what it is like to lose a child. To lose the future. The ideal. The hope you have for that child. Some people lose that before birth and some after. The pain is the same no matter when it happens. If you get the CBC where you live or on your satellite I ask you watch. This is not an easy subject anyway you look at it. My hope, my goal is to help people understand it is okay to talk about this subject. It is usually okay to talk to people about their lost child. Silence Helps No One! That is why I talk about Ryan. That is why he is included in albums on my Facebook. He is my son just as much as William and Jake are my sons. Just because he is no longer with us does not diminish that role. Ok off my soapbox. You know me. Gotta run my big mouth.

http://www.capturingashortlife.com/home/
http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/thelens/2008/ashortlife/index.html

PS. If you know someone that has a copy let me know. I would love to see it.

((hugs)),
Raye

Wonderful Doctors

March 30th was Doctor Appreciation Day. As I told many of you Cook's did a little form to let you submit a note to a Doctor that was in the Cook's network. Of course I sent one to all of Ryan's docs. I did send one to Dr. Scroggie as he has put up with my crazy boys for years. Anyway. I got a response from one of Ryan's docs. Dr. Tom Black sent us a message back. He was Ryan's Cardio Thoracic surgeon. He did Ryan's two Fistula surgeries and his diaphragm placation. He also did the scope before the heart surgery to check if there was any stenosis (narrowing) of the esophagus. He has the kindest heart and was always an advocate for Ryan. When there was a possibility of Ryan going on ECMO he spoke up with his opinion. Here is what Dr Black responded.

Thank you for your kind words after so many years. I recall that Ryan had a very serious heart condition. I hope that you share my conviction that there is a purpose in life and that someday you and he will be reunited. Best wishes to you and to your family.
Tom Black

I do share his opinion. I don't think the docs and nurses up there understand what they do for the family. One time we thanked Dr Brann for his care of Ryan one weekend. His response was he was just doing his job. They don't have a clue that the parents don't see it that way.

((Hugs))
Raye

It's Just a Day - Right??

This day will come every year. I have no control over that fact. I can control how I react to this day. At approximately 9 pm four years ago my beautiful boy flew to heaven. On some level I should feel joy as he is no longer in pain. He no longer has a tube stuck down his throat or an iv jammed into his arm or some other place on his body. But my heart still just aches. I know it is selfish for me to want him here but I don't care sometimes. I just miss my little guy. The What If game pops up about now. What If we would have made this choice, What If we decided to do this, What If we had waited to do that. It will drive you crazy. But life must go on. I have two crazy boys and an unbelievably wonderful husband who need me. Thank God! I guess this is just another day. We will see.
Much Love,
Raye

Gone Too Soon

I wasn't going to blog about this but I just feel moved to. On Wednesday night our dear friend Carmen Lee passed away from a heart attack. She was only 51. Carmen came into our life right about the time I graduated from High School. Becky and I worked at a daycare in Bedford that Carmen's kids attended. She was Ashlee's 3 year old teacher and struck up a friendship with Carmen. Carmen was the Matron of Honor at Spec's wedding and did the flowers for my wedding. How blessed was I that she could do that for me? She was amazing with flowers. She had Indian Hawthorne growing in her backyard and so she took that and made the amazing floral balls for the flower girls to carry. They were amazing. Carmen was someone that would not think twice about helping you if you were in need. She always put others first. She was diagnosed with cancer years ago and when she beat that everyone thought life would be great. How just wrong is it that after beating cancer she is taken from this world by a heart attack? Words can't explain how wrong it is. Becky said something to me the other day that made perfect sense. We are all here on this earth for a reason. Some are here for good others not so good. As soon as we fulfill our purpose our time is done and we are called home. It takes some decades to do that some only weeks. This idea does not necessarily make is easier for us left behind but hopefully brings peace. It is not ours to know until all is revealed when we meet the Lord but personally for me I wish I could know. Just to make the pain a little easier. Making sense of the loss helps the pain just a little.
Lots of love,
Raye

Happy Birthday Ryan

Well today is Ryan's birthday. I can't believe he would have been four today. Man. I feel like I have lived a few lifetimes since those days. I find myself wondering sometimes what he would have looked like. Would his syndrome completely keep him from looking like Doug or myself. Would he have looked like William like Jake does. All these questions. And no answers. I am so very happy for the short time I had with him. Tonight we went to dinner to celebrate his birthday. Jake loves to do his cheers so we cheered Ryan and his birthday. William said we were celebrating Ryan's birthday at his party today. He was happy to share that with him. William can be so sweet sometime. If you get a minute say a little prayer for him and wish him a Happy Heavenly Birthday.
(((hugs)))
Raye

Azleland

Today we finally went out to visit Ryan. I honestly think it has been almost a year since we were there. Being there today really brought it out how much I want to move him. And Dad for that matter. I need to have a conversation with the caretaker. The ground is in such bad shape everything is sinking. He has only been there for just shy of four years and he is already starting to sink. At least they raised Dad's. The place is just so country bumpkin'. Ryan is right under a bush and power lines just on the other side of their maintenance area. I was taking pictures and I noticed and old Ford tailgate. All I could think is really?? I appreciate my family stepping in and helping in those days. I could not have gotten all that together without them. But I am just not happy with him under that bush. It just seems odd. But the important thing is he and Dad are in the same place. Now if I can just get my butt up there more. One really sweet thing was with Jake. I kissed my hand and then touched the marker. William saw me and did the same thing and then told Jake to do it as well. So Jake proceeds to bend over and kiss the marker directly. He is crazy. He understood we went to see Baby Ryan but he has no clue who Baby Ryan is at this point. I tell him he is his brother but I think he is still too young to get it. He will soon enough.
Take care,
Raye

William & Jake helping clean up the marker

The tail gate

The property next to Azleland

October 15th - Remembering Our Babies

In 1988 President Reagan signed proclamation declaring October Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. In 2001 the House of Representatives signed a similar proclamation and from 2001-2006 many states followed. Texas is included in those states. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. So tonight at 7pm Doug and I will light a candle and remember Ryan and Parker. Not that we don't think about Ryan every day of our lives but there is some comfort knowing possibly a group around the world will be doing the same thing. So if you think about stop and say a little prayer of remembrance for Ryan and for those that knew him little Parker. And you might want to throw in their Mom and Dad too help us out a little. If you would like additional information on this check out www.october15th.com. This whole thing was spearheaded by a parent who wanted the world to understand the facts.
Much Love,
Raye

Why My Baby?

This is a question asked by many of parents of children born too soon or with problems. Why my baby? Why us? Why now? Why can God let this happen? Unfortunately there are no easy answers. I have come to somewhat a peace that we are part of some bigger plan that is not revealed to us even though it still hurts. We have to roll with those plans and learn to adapt and accept to survive with our sanity in place. If you get too caught up in why you can't look beyond and live life to the fullest.
Lots of Love,
Raye