Christmas Hugs From Heaven

As much as I LOVE this time of year it is still hard. As I watch the boys open their presents I can't help but long to watch the one that is not here open his presents. But I think about the time I did have him and cherish those memories. I found this poem and wanted to share it for all those who have loved ones that are not here for Christmas.

Christmas Hugs & Kisses

Please don't be sad now that we are apart,
celebrate Christmas with me in your heart.
Our best Christmas ever is still yet to come,
for Heaven is where the first Christmas is from.
And so I look forward to when you'll be free
to spend your first Christmas in Heaven with me.
I'm waiting with angels, and until that day,
I'll keep sending my hugs and kisses your way.

Love & Marriage

Marriage (noun) - the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.

What is a marriage? Is it a social or legal contract? Or something much more? To me it was just plain luck. I got lucky. I was not looking for a husband and lo and behold I met Doug. Well to be honest I met him before. But then I did not give him the time of day. He could tell you what I wore that night but I don't remember anything about him. I am sure you have heard the saying that some people get less attractive the more you know them. Well that was just the opposite. Once I really gave Doug a chance he really started to grow on me. Once we got past the whole he is my boss thing we really got to know each other. I was lucky again when he asked me to marry him.

I, Rachel, take you, Douglas, for my lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.

I will be honest I am not sure if those were our exact vows but I bet it is close. Little did we know how those vows would be tested. We have survived a crazy ex wife, issues with the step kids and then the death of our son. As bad as things got we kept each other close. When Ryan died we got spouted all these statistics about marriages not surviving the death of a child and things like that. I can see how that can rock a marriage. But I went into this marriage believing it was not disposable and I will be damned if that was going to take it away. Do we have the best marriage? No. But I think we have a very good one. He was taught to treat a lady well and that shows. He is not disrespectful or mean or anything like that. He is mine and I am elated. Like I said earlier. I got lucky.

Prematurity Awareness Day

Why I Walk

So others won't know the pain we've known
This is why we walk
So every child has a chance
This is why we walk
For Tanner, Parker and Myles
This is why we walk
For Ryan & Jake
This is why I walk


The US is failing it's youngest most fragile population. Prematurity can happen to any woman. It is not just a socioeconomic issue. It is a global issue with the US not doing so hot in the statistics. It is said it takes a village to raise a child.It appears we are not doing well in that respect. People think well it is not my child so why should I care? Well let me tell you. If you live in Tarrant County you help pay for those born too soon. Having been a volunteer in the NICU at Cook's I saw those babies in that unit that were transferred from JPS. Even if you look at it from an economic perspective an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. You would also be surprised by the ones prematurity does strike. I had great prenatal care and still had two babies early. Even though I did everything "right" they still came in this world before their time. What was really hard to watch was after Ryan was born I watched someone smoke and drink during their pregnancy and their son by all accounts seems fine. That is why the mission of the March of Dimes is so important. They work tirelessly to get to the bottom of these complex issues. Next time you think not my child think about your neighbors, friends, fellow church members or your coworker. Someone you know has been touched by prematurity. If you are reading this you know me and so you definitely know someone that has been touched by prematurity. Band Together. Help the helpless. And now I will get off my soapbox. Thank you to everyone who supports us and our passion for the March of Dimes. Words will never be able to express our gratitude for every one's support over the last almost five years. Wow. Five Years. That is another post for another day.

((hugs)),
Raye

6 weeks too soon - Ryan

4 weeks too soon - Jake

Wave Of Light to Remember Our Babies

I am actually very excited about today. Even though I am having transmission issues with my truck and I may have injured my rotator cuff it is still a good day. But that is a whole other post. From my point of view the worst thing that could happen is Ryan being forgotten. He was born, he lived, he breathed, he IS a part of our family. I hope days like this help people understand that for the most part people want to talk about their angels. Prenatal and Neonatal loss is nothing less than tragic. Parents shouldn't bury their child. It is just not the natural flow of things. But you pick yourself up by the boot straps and you carry on. I am very lucky that I have the support that I do in my life. I have Doug, my family and my "sisters". I am especially grateful for Teri Lyn. Of my "sisters" she is unfortunately the only one that completely understands how I feel. I say unfortunately because who wants to be a member of this club. Who would have thought all those years ago when we met we would be here. I pray for peace for those dealing with their losses and I ask those that are not to pray for those of us that are dealing with those loses.

I invite everyone to light a candle tonight at 7 pm not matter your time zone. If everyone lights a candle and burns it for at least an hour there will be a continuous WAVE OF LIGHT.

Peace to everyone,
Raye

March for Babies - 2009 Awards Lunch

Oh my. Has it really been over two months since I last posted. What a slacker. I promise to be better. On Monday we attended the Fort Worth March for Babies Luncheon. We weren't in the top 5 but that is ok. We missed it by that much. I am still floored over the amount of support we had this year. Especially in shaky financial times like we are experiencing. Dr. Grubbs was the emcee so that was really cool. You know I love me some Dr. Grubbs. I have learned not to rush up to him if I see him in public. We do see him at least once a year at the Warm Place fundraiser. I let him talk to us which he did. I got my usual big hug from him. He is such a wonderful and gentle man. Cook's is lucky to have him and the parents of the children he cares for are also lucky. Mom & Doug went with us this year so that was fun. We sat next to Amber Augustin and her team. They are the Extreme Makeover family. It was nice to meet her and she seemed nice. All in all it was a great lunch once again. Can't wait for 2010. I will get on with creating the Miracle Munchkins store so everyone can get their Munchkin items. Yeah for us!
Take care,
Raye


Our name badges with program

Me & Teri Lyn

Dr. Grubbs

Mom, Teri Lyn & I

Capturing a Short Life

Capturing A Short Life is a beautiful and life-affirming documentary about families dealing with infant loss.

I came across this linking from one of my groups on Facebook. Sheona McDonald did this documentary about infant loss. I have not seen the movie just the trailer. The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation is going to air it tomorrow night on it The Lens program. From what I have seen she really brings across what it is like to lose a child. To lose the future. The ideal. The hope you have for that child. Some people lose that before birth and some after. The pain is the same no matter when it happens. If you get the CBC where you live or on your satellite I ask you watch. This is not an easy subject anyway you look at it. My hope, my goal is to help people understand it is okay to talk about this subject. It is usually okay to talk to people about their lost child. Silence Helps No One! That is why I talk about Ryan. That is why he is included in albums on my Facebook. He is my son just as much as William and Jake are my sons. Just because he is no longer with us does not diminish that role. Ok off my soapbox. You know me. Gotta run my big mouth.

http://www.capturingashortlife.com/home/
http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/thelens/2008/ashortlife/index.html

PS. If you know someone that has a copy let me know. I would love to see it.

((hugs)),
Raye

Silly Stuff

Borrowed from my friend Emily's Blog.

Me:

Hair Color: Dark Reddish Brown - Gotta cover the gray.

Eye color: Green - or pondwater as it was called in the past. Notice I did not marry that guy.

Profession: Mom, Taxi, Wife, Friend. Oh yeah. Sr Analyst BNSF Railway.

Relationship status: Married to the most wonderful man in the world. Not the pondwater guy.


My Favorites:

Favorite color: Purple. Green is making up the list though

Favorite movie: I have to say it. The Harry Potter Series. Actually usurp Pride & Prejudice (A&E Version)

Favorite animal: Ferret

Favorite store: Target. I can get groceries, car parts, lawn furniture and underwear all in the same place

Favorite childhood memory: Christmas in St Joe. Those were fun times.

Favorite hobby: Relaxing

Favorite song/singer: Sting, Sting and did I say Sting?

Favorite book/author: Gotta go with the Potter series again. I know. I may be 37 but I do act like a 12 year old.
Favorite school subject: Government. Fascinated by the mechanics of how the thing should run.

Favorite vacation destination: Some place cooler than Texas

Favorite food: Mexican

Favorite restaurant: Taco Bueno. I am a Bueno Head and proud of it!


This or That:

Coke or pepsi : Diet Coke

Beer or wine: Wine

Coffee or tea: Tea - I really like Luzianne Decaf

Apple Juice or O.J.: I gotta go with Emily on this one. OJ with ice

Summer or Winter: Winter

Cats or dogs: Dogs. Cats are too uppity

Salty or sweet: Both together are heaven. Peanut Butter and Ruffles are a dream!

Plane or boat: Plane. I have an unnatural fear of water where I can't see the bottom.

Morning or night: Morning

Money or love: I'd love to have money - Good one Emily

Breakfast or dinner: Breakfast

Forgiveness or revenge: Unfortunately as a teenager revenge probably would have won out. But not anymore

House or apartment: House

Like to cook: I prefer to cook so Doug cleans


Have You Ever:

Got a speeding ticket: Of course

Wished you were someone else: Not someone else but somewhere else. My life as bad as it has been at times is pretty dang wonderful.

Cried during a movie: Who truly hasn't?

Describe yourself in one word: Calm

Biggest fear: Losing another one of my children

Biggest mistake: Not telling those I love how much I do enough

Your proudest accomplishment: Bringing three crazy boys into this world safely.

Dream job: Not sure about this one. How bad is that?

Special talents: Probably my ability to stay calm in almost any situation.

Where would you rather be at the moment: Cuddled in bed with all my boys watching a movie. Which is hard to accomplish with the Jakester.

Famous person you want to meet: Kat Von D. The one I wanted the most I got to meet. I was not disappointed when I got to meet him.

Song to be played at your funeral: I Am A Child Of God. The same hymn my beautiful nieces sang to me at Ryan's service.

Father's Day '09

Man I have neglected this lately. This was a great weekend. Until I got married and then had a child this was a hard day for me. I miss my Dad terribly. 16 was way too young to have him ripped from my life. I am comforted to know he and Opa are taking care of Ryan until I am able to do that myself someday. Once I got married and then had children of my own the sting lessened. I have a wonderful Father-In-Law who I love dearly and the most amazing husband. This makes this day wonderful again. On Saturday we went to Jake's Loft for their Father's Day celebration. The kids made cards for Doug and got tattoos on their arms. After that we went to Central Market, shocker I know, for dessert. The kids ate a dessert while Doug and I bravely stayed away from the sweets. We were saving our cheat for lunch on Sunday. Which was awesome. We met Doug's parents and sisters at Mi Cocina in Plano and man was it good. I did not eat horrible but I did have me some brisket Tacos. Yummy. It was a little warm but not too bad under the shade and there was a good breeze. I hope we cheered David up. He and Randy have been going through alot so it was great to see them. Randy looked great! You would never have known she had her TIA issues. Much better time then the last time we were all together. I hope everyone Dad at there is having a great day! Kiss your Dad and your husband and let them know how much they mean to you.

Much love,
Raye


At Central Market

The Harrison Family

Pops and his grandkids minus Collin & Madison

Field Day Fun

Last Friday William had his field day. Boy has it changed since I was a kid. Gone are the days of tether ball, tug of war and three legged races. Now they do Amazing Race style field day with a chicken toss, ball bounce, hoop toss and putt putt. Good news is the sack race remained!! Each class made their own shirts. He was very happy that both Mom and Dad were at his field day. Being there did give me some insight into William and how he interacts with his friends. We need to work on him with his friendship skills. If he is not careful he may not have any friends left. He tends to be a little over bearing. Maybe that is telling to me that I am that hard on him so he acts that way to his friends. That is something I need to watch. Anyway. Here is some pics from Field Day. The chicken toss was too funny for words.

Take care,
Rachel

Sack Race

Ready

Aim

Fire

Goin' to the Chapel

Saturday was Rachel's Bachelorette night. What fun we had. I am so happy for her. She waited a long time to find the right guy. I wish for her nothing but joy, happiness, love and strength in her marriage. Whomever said marriage is 50/50 they are crazy. Each person has to give 100%. Lots of love to Rachel in her new chapter of life.
((Raye))


Rachel's "Gown"

My decorated truck

Value

To realize the value of a sister:Ask someone who doesn't have one.

To realize the value of ten years:Ask a newly divorced couple.
To realize the value of four years:Ask a graduate.
To realize the value of one year:Ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize the value of nine months:Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
To realize the value of one month:Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of one week:Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of one minute:Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize the value of one-second:Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of a friend or family member: Lose One


Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have.

The Best Mother's Day Ever

Doug made this for me for Mother's Day this year. Mother's Day is a bittersweet time for me. I rejoice in my motherhood but in that comes the pain of not having one of my son's with me. I have said it time and time again but being a Mom is the bomb. I may want to give my boys away sometimes but they are my world. With Doug I have hit the trifecta. My life is not perfect but it is perfect for me. Happy Mother's Day to my Mom, Sisters (blood and of the heart), Grandmother, Mother-In-Law, Sisters-In-Law, Cousin and all my friends. I love you guys. And I love my husband for this wonderful gift.

((Hugs))
Raye

Friday Night at the Zoo

Friday night we went to the zoo for Friday Night at the Zoo. And no we were not just at home in our zoo. It is The WARM Place benefit we go to every year at the Fort Worth Zoo. A couple of years ago we started to go in a storm that ended up being a tornado. Lovely. We turned around and went back home. This year was great as the usual hot dog and hamburger menu was replaced with cheese enchiladas. Yummy! They were really good. If you have never heard of The WARM Place they are a grief counseling organization that specializes in children. When Ryan died we thought being the great parents we are that we could handle William and all his questions. WRONG! He started asking questions like when will Baby Ryan come back to life and things like that. So much for those parenting skills. We had heard about The WARM Place in all the booklets and what not that we were given about grief and called them up. They were wonderful. The Little People group that William was apart of also had a parent piece. I think they helped us as much if not more than William. Jane was the best. Her family came there years ago when her son passed. She really got Doug and I. WARM stands for What About Remembering Me and that is true. I think parents get so lost in their own grief other kids can easily get lost. Their services are free of charge to the families so any time we can give back to them is great. If anyone is interested in helping they have a wish list of items like stamps and sprinkles they could use. Just check out their site.
http://www.thewarmplace.org/HowtoHelp/WishList/tabid/499/Default.aspx
((Hugs)),
Raye

Jake tipping a troll

William trying to ring a penguins neck

One of their crocodiles

Doug and I on the way home

Crazy Jake Again

Jake is not a morning person. He is just like his Dad that is for sure. I usually open his door when I get William up so he can start waking up on his own. Well this morning I guess he just didn't like that one bit. I was in William's room and Jake popped into the doorway. He told me "Mom. Stop open my door". I told his happy butt to just go back to bed and he did. What a nut.

March for Babies - 2009

Yesterday was a great day. The weather was kind of gross but NO RAIN!! Yeah. Big T actually walked this year. He did great. He and the other boys got a little crazy but whatcha gonna do with that many boys together? This year we finished pretty much in the middle of the pack. It was awesome. It was 10:05 and we were at the finish line. Yeah for us! I hope next year is as fun. Thank you to all who supported us by giving. We really appreciate it.

Have a great week,
Raye

Doug and I at the end of the course

Emily & William

Jake chillin' in his stroller

Easter at the Gaylord

We had a great day today. We went to the Gaylord hotel for brunch. We missed my family that was supposed to go with us, but we had so much fun. The boys were so excited that they could chose between breakfast or lunch. Jake got two Easter cookies for dessert and he laughed and laughed as he at the ears off the bunny and the nose off the chick. Maybe I should be disturbed about that but oh well. The rain had finally stopped by the time we were done so we were able to go to this little garden and I took pictures of Doug and the boys. We came home and had an egg hunt inside because it was so wet. I hacked William off by getting eggs full of fruit snacks and not candy. Whatcha gonna do. I think it was mainly because Jake had an egg hunt at Shayla's and got candy. He just needs to suck it up. Hee Hee. Hope everyone had a great day. Even with rain.
Have a great week!
Rachel

Wonderful Doctors

March 30th was Doctor Appreciation Day. As I told many of you Cook's did a little form to let you submit a note to a Doctor that was in the Cook's network. Of course I sent one to all of Ryan's docs. I did send one to Dr. Scroggie as he has put up with my crazy boys for years. Anyway. I got a response from one of Ryan's docs. Dr. Tom Black sent us a message back. He was Ryan's Cardio Thoracic surgeon. He did Ryan's two Fistula surgeries and his diaphragm placation. He also did the scope before the heart surgery to check if there was any stenosis (narrowing) of the esophagus. He has the kindest heart and was always an advocate for Ryan. When there was a possibility of Ryan going on ECMO he spoke up with his opinion. Here is what Dr Black responded.

Thank you for your kind words after so many years. I recall that Ryan had a very serious heart condition. I hope that you share my conviction that there is a purpose in life and that someday you and he will be reunited. Best wishes to you and to your family.
Tom Black

I do share his opinion. I don't think the docs and nurses up there understand what they do for the family. One time we thanked Dr Brann for his care of Ryan one weekend. His response was he was just doing his job. They don't have a clue that the parents don't see it that way.

((Hugs))
Raye

Circus of the Animals

On Tuesday night William had his 1st grade play. They did Circus of the Animals. Each class made a different animal costume. William's class were Kangaroo's. Holy Cow it was so stinkin' cute. Each "animal" took their turn coming off the risers and doing a little dance. All the kids sang the whole time they just didn't do their dance until it was their turn. We have it on video and as soon as I can get Doug to pull out William's dance I will post it.

Raye

Getting ready in the Music Room

Starting his dance - Gotta love the face!

Crazy Jake

My Jake has got to be the craziest child in the world. He just keeps me laughing all the time. This weekend was no different. I must say he was in rare form that is for sure. On Saturday when we were headed to dinner Sexy Back came on the radio and he asked for me to turn it up. I asked him if he was dancing and when I turned around he was bopping to the music. A few days before the same song was on the radio and he asked to turn it up then as well. On Sunday we went to Dickie's for dinner. Sat & Sunday Kids are free!!! Anyway. He was going around the house saying Yeah Dickie's, Yeah Dickie's. On the way William mad a comment that he wished we were going to Burger King. We said a resounding No and then Jake popped off with "Burger King is over." Doug and I busted out laughing. I would not want him any other way.

Have a great week!
Rachel

It's Just a Day - Right??

This day will come every year. I have no control over that fact. I can control how I react to this day. At approximately 9 pm four years ago my beautiful boy flew to heaven. On some level I should feel joy as he is no longer in pain. He no longer has a tube stuck down his throat or an iv jammed into his arm or some other place on his body. But my heart still just aches. I know it is selfish for me to want him here but I don't care sometimes. I just miss my little guy. The What If game pops up about now. What If we would have made this choice, What If we decided to do this, What If we had waited to do that. It will drive you crazy. But life must go on. I have two crazy boys and an unbelievably wonderful husband who need me. Thank God! I guess this is just another day. We will see.
Much Love,
Raye

My Baby is 3!!

Oh my gosh. My baby is three today. It is so weird to remember that at this time three years ago I was heading to my last appt at Dr Payne's office. I was actually going to cancel this appt but decided to go anyway. Good thing. I remember Dr Payne telling me after my ultrasound it was baby day. I was thinking yep that is right. Next Thursday is delivery day. And he was like No TODAY is baby day. He told me he was calling Dr Reimer and I was going to deliver that day because I had basically no fluid left. I remember calling Doug and telling him to turn off his computer and leave the office. No questions just leave and meet me at the house. So at approx 2 pm on Friday Jacob Ryan was born. I remember hearing him cry for the first time and just this wave of relief and elation wash over me. All I could say to Doug is "He's crying, He's crying". Then they started working on him. He was grunting so they were a little worried. They rolled him by me and took him to the NICU. Dr Reimer was so sweet. After they rolled Jake away he leaned down and gave me a hug. I think he was as happy as we were that Jake was here and safe. Jake being in the NICU freaked Doug out a little. I completely understand where he was coming from. But a few hours later Jake was off CPAP and doing fine. Just had to get his lungs dried out. Who knew what a crazy preschooler that kid would become? He is just absolutely crazy. He is the insanity that is the temper to William's calm. It is so cool to see them grow up together. Jake really worships his older brother. He is William's parrot. It is so sweet to see it. Granted they try and beat it each other up a little too much but what are you going to do with brothers? The journey continues.
Much love today,
Raye

1 day old

3 yrs

Gone Too Soon

I wasn't going to blog about this but I just feel moved to. On Wednesday night our dear friend Carmen Lee passed away from a heart attack. She was only 51. Carmen came into our life right about the time I graduated from High School. Becky and I worked at a daycare in Bedford that Carmen's kids attended. She was Ashlee's 3 year old teacher and struck up a friendship with Carmen. Carmen was the Matron of Honor at Spec's wedding and did the flowers for my wedding. How blessed was I that she could do that for me? She was amazing with flowers. She had Indian Hawthorne growing in her backyard and so she took that and made the amazing floral balls for the flower girls to carry. They were amazing. Carmen was someone that would not think twice about helping you if you were in need. She always put others first. She was diagnosed with cancer years ago and when she beat that everyone thought life would be great. How just wrong is it that after beating cancer she is taken from this world by a heart attack? Words can't explain how wrong it is. Becky said something to me the other day that made perfect sense. We are all here on this earth for a reason. Some are here for good others not so good. As soon as we fulfill our purpose our time is done and we are called home. It takes some decades to do that some only weeks. This idea does not necessarily make is easier for us left behind but hopefully brings peace. It is not ours to know until all is revealed when we meet the Lord but personally for me I wish I could know. Just to make the pain a little easier. Making sense of the loss helps the pain just a little.
Lots of love,
Raye

Bound To Happen

It was bound to happen. I have been warning William since Jake was a baby. I have proof Jake is going to beat the you know what out of William some day. We were at the park today for a dinner picnic. They were playing with this little boy. William and this boy decided Jake was the monster and starting chasing him. Jake decided "yeah right, I am going to get you!" so he started to fight back. It was hilarious. Jake didn't go after the other little boy, just William. It begins.....
((hugs))
Rachel

The first punch

Back for more

All Grown Up

Oh my gosh. My little guy walked home today for the first time. Well not completely alone. Doug met him at the crosswalk and basically followed him home. Since Doug is working from home William is going to just walk home instead of us paying for after school care. Especially since we only live about a block and a half away. I walked home a longer distance in elementary school. Looking back that is a marathon compared to what William will walk. You know the Keller ISD. It is like living in Salt Lake with a Mormon chapel on every corner the Keller ISD has an elementary on every corner. LOL!!!

January Bdays All Done

Now the Jan/ Feb birthday fest for the Harrison Crew is now officially done. On Thursday Doug decided he just wanted to stay home, order pizza and watch a movie so that is what we did. That is what I did on my birthday. It is nice to just not have to go somewhere or do something. We watched City of Ember. Liked that movie. Jake of course was up and down but William really enjoyed it. Now I want to read those books. On Sunday we went to Central Market in Southlake to meet Randy, Dave, Chris and the girls. I was sick on Saturday so I was a little worried about going. The good news is the tummy issues on Saturday were food related and not a stomach bug. On Sunday morning the cramps and chills were gone so I felt like it was just bad food. Thank goodness. After talking to Barnes I did not want to get the stomach flu like she and Ken had. Yuck. We really enjoyed ourselves at Central Market. The weather was perfect. It was a little windy so most people were inside instead of out like they usually are on weekends. I also learned that they serve breakfast until noon. The kids got breakfast food and were so glad. The chocolate chip pancakes were a hit. Ethan's breakfast tacos looked Yummy as well. The boys played and played and Ethan even got to come over to the "adult" table and talk. Jake had to wear his cape. He was flying around the place. Doug said someone made a comment that a super hero was on the playground and Jake put his hands up like it's me. Of course I took a ton of pictures. I am really getting addicted to taking them. I need to get "Doug" a new lens. Using the nice lens is hard sometimes because it is long and you can't get close. Oh well. Just put it on the wish list.
Take care,
Raye

Proof when they get older that they did love each other

Super Jake waiting for his next move

Chocolate chips on his lips. Does he know how to use his napkin?

Emily being Emily

Ethan chowing on the tacos